Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Becky's LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, April 23rd, 2003
9:42 pm	I love him. I'm so happy with our relationship right now, its such a weird feeling for me. and I'm in love with him. (Comment on this)
Monday, March 24th, 2003
3:36 pm	Its finally official... I have a boyfriend. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 12th, 2003
4:13 pm	I'm Tired... and Sick :( I feel yucky. I'm super sick, which in turn makes me tired. I'm all out of liquid Day quil (quite possibly the best invention ever) Today is hopefully my last day at limited 2, HOPEFULLY, I cant work next week so hopefully they dont have my on the schedule. This is my last weekend working at ZuZons, thank god, I'm not going to miss that place at all. I have so much going on my mind latley and I dont know why. I have to leave for work in 15 minutes. I'm so happy with Rich, and this confusses me and I'm not too sure what to do. Well I know what to do... nothing... just let things fly. I was just never expecting to fall for him, not like its a bad thing, just not an expected thing. I'm really proud of myself. I quit drugs.. I quit cocaine. I'm done with it, no more for me! I've been doing it for a long time... I never realize how long I was doing it. Oh well, no more for me. I love my new job at Doodle Bugs, its just so anoying being new, I hate being the new person, no one knows you and its so frustrating. Its so cute though, all the children call me miss Becky. I like working with the 2-3 year olds.. but all the age groups are so different its hard to compare. I just got to remember to call red cross to take CPR classes.... Anyways.. I hate being sick.. I blame Rich.... but this sucks because I'm going to be sick for the next like 3 months untill I build up a tolerence from working with little "germ houses" I want to have a sleep over with Rich tonight, but I have to wake up at 6 am... so it wouldnt be smart... so in theory I should wait for tomorrow.. but I miss him now ;) (Comment on this)
Sunday, February 16th, 2003
8:41 pm	Party! On Valentines day, I threw my very first party at my apartment.... and I can't belive how many people came... Sadly the only girls that were there were, Me, Sam, Tiff, Angela, Sara, and Brians and Matts girlfriends... considering the amount of guys there... I thru a very large "sausage fest" We went thru SO much beer... 5, 18 packs, and a few left over from before... ALL IS GONE.... thats a fuck load of beer. The cooks from work all slept over... good times... good times. (Comment on this)
Saturday, February 8th, 2003
4:16 am	ok i'm admitting it. I have a tiny coke problem (Comment on this)
Thursday, February 6th, 2003
1:50 pm	Picture LIVIN' MY LIFE IN A SLOW HELL Different guy every night at the hotel I aint seen the sun shine in 3 damn days Been fuelin' up on COCAINE and whisky Wish I had a good guy to miss me LORD I WONDER IF I EVER CHANGE MY WAYS I put your picture away Sat down and cried the day I can't look at you, I'm lyin' next to him I put your picture away, sat down and cried today I can't look at you I'm lyin' next to him (5 Comments |Comment on this)
11:53 am	Well this sucks. Last night I went over to Rich's (my new rich, the one that I was seeing a week ago). Well he invited me over, and him and his friends were very persistant that I come over. They were just hanging out and drinking beers, listeing to music and watching movies. I wouldnt have come over, but Renee was very persistant, and made it seem necessary. Part of me wanted to because I had to give Rich his pants back, and I wanted to see if we could try the "friends" thing. Dont get me wrong, I do like Rich, I really started to like him, but I'm not stupid, and opne night dosnt change that he's not over his ex girlfriend, (even though I wish he was). I got there had a beer, listened to music like was planned, except Rich was sitting next to me, In a very small chair with his arm around me rubbing my arm and feet. And when I tried to leave... he wouldnt let me... so I slept over, I didnt sleep with him, just in the same bed (all of our clothes on) It was nice, I like sleeping with him, hes a good snuggler. (Comment on this)
Friday, January 24th, 2003
3:47 pm	Dirty Dirty song... (but I love it) Xzibit Choke Me, Spank Me (Pull My Hair) [Chorus: girl - repeat 4X] Choke me, spank me, pull my hair [Xzibit] Cinnamon, with a taste of honey, it ain't funny When she walk in the room, I can't help actin a fool I know what she like, she act right She act like she ain't gon' survive the night without my dick all up in her ass, so quick, so fast I see her twin towers and I'm ready to crash Walk around naked witcha beautiful ass Who the fuck taught ya how to move that fast? It took time to perfect the stroke, by any note Maybe we really don't need to drink and smoke And just try a new position, perfect your dick kissin Bang on your G-spot 'til your (voice is missin) [Interlude: Xzibit - repeat 2X] I don't want to love, you I just want to fuck, you You should bring your friends, through I'll fuck you and them, too [Chorus] [Xzibit] I work hard when I'm breakin your back, my lil' nyphomaniac Suck it, swallow it, down the hatch It ain't a game when she givin me brain, she doin her thang I'm up all night but I never complain I don't, waste no time with makeup lines I just, look in her eyes and read the signs A lot of dudes wanna pull on her arm Cause her ass and titties light up a room like a major city Just look how she fit in them jeans, it ain't fair She get off too quick, when I pull on her hair I'm the only nigga that can take you there I ain't the only one fuckin and I don't care! She come through with a couple of friends, a couple bottles of gin And then, that's where the party begins And I'm the only nigga that's around for blocks Baby get on top, and don't you stop! [Interlude] [Xzibit] I know you love the way I'm diggin it out I know it's hard to talk with all this dick in your mouth Menage-a-trois, for moi, let's figure this out I drink your Hennesey fifth, let's work the shit out She don't gotta cheat cause it's a waste of her time She'll never find another dick that's bigger than mine Hands and knees side by side, I hit from behind Flip it up, givin a fuck, we fuck all night Bottom line, when I straighten your spine I'm gon' find spots that ain't been hit and blow your mind Get in line, bitches stay on the grind, cause I'm on mines Redecorate your hips and lips and thighs Ain't surprised you can be so pretty and be so nasty Ass in the air like a pass to Grassi It's a, thin line between hoes and women And close my dick with a hat and change the linen (Comment on this)
Friday, January 17th, 2003
2:15 pm	I dont like pink snot. I live a very fucked up but interesting life. nothing else to say but that. I refuse to write what i've done these past weekends.... I dont think its necessary. (Comment on this)
Monday, December 30th, 2002
4:48 pm	14 14 14 14 14 14 14 14 14 14 = The best new years ever. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, December 29th, 2002
6:09 pm	Work party. Some how the whole idea of a "work party" dosnt make since to me, but I have to go... sigh... Shawn called me last night at 4:30 in the morning... and all he had to say was "Becky, we're skiing and the mogels are great" hes a funny guy that Shawn, then he started to ramble about how coke always makes him ancy and bored and he wants to drive to Niagara now. Part of me wants to go to Toronto on New Years Eve... but I have to work so it isnt even an option. Going to Toronto is not a big deal anymore considering I woudlnt have to pay for a hotel. I should be there right now (in theory). I'm in debate, what to do...what to do... Tomorrow should I go to IKEA with Guido, or should I go snowboarding... hmmmmmmmmmm... its the same driving distance... and it would cost just as much... I havnt snowboarded all year... but I want this carpet at IKEA. Well I am going to call IKEA tomorrow and see if they still have anymore of the black wool carpets that were on sale, and if they do I'm there.. if they dont, I'm going snowboarding... (Comment on this)
5:56 pm	It was earily morning yesterday I was up before the dawn and I really have enjoyed my stay but I must be moving on and I belive in what you say is the undesputed truth but I have to have things my own way To keep you in my view and I will go on shinning shinning like brand new I'll never look behind me my troubles will be few Goodbye stranger Its been nice Hope you find your, paradise try to see your point of view hope your dreams can all come true feel no sarrow feel no shame hope tomorrow, you feel no pain you can laugh about my behavior that will never bother me say the devil is my savior and I will go on shinning shinning like brand new I'll never look behind me my troubles will be few feel no sarrow feel no shame hope tomorrow, you feel no pain (Comment on this)
Saturday, December 28th, 2002
3:56 pm	ummmmm... I want... some.. Coke...really really really really really bad. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 17th, 2002
11:04 pm	I got fucked over. Nuff said. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, December 16th, 2002
2:16 am	Turnaround, every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming around Turnaround, Every now and then I get a little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears Turnaround, Every now and then I get a little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone by Turnaround, Every now and then I get a little bit terrified and then I see the look in your eyes Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and then I fall apart Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and then I fall apart Turnaround, Every now and then I get a little bit restless and I dream of something wild Turnaround, Every now and then I get a little bit helpless and I'm lying like a child in your arms Turnaround, Every now and then I get a little bit angry and I know I've got to get out and cry Turnaround, Every now and then I get a little bit terrified but then I see the look in your eyes Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and then I fall apart Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and then I fall apart And I need you now tonight And I need you more than ever And if you'll only hold me tight We'll be holding on forever And we'll only be making it right Cause we'll never be wrong together We can take it to the end of the line Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks I really need you tonight Forever's gonna start tonight Forever's gonna start tonight Once upon a time I was falling in love But now I'm only falling apart There's nothing I can do A total eclipse of the heart Once upon a time there was light in my life But now there's only love in the dark Nothing I can say A total eclipse of the heart Turnaround bright eyes Turnaround bright eyes Turnaround, every now and then I know you'll never be the boy you always you wanted to be Turnaround, every now and then I know you'll always be the only boy who wanted me the way that I am Turnaround, every now and then I know there's no one in the universe as magical and wonderous as you Turnaround, every now and then I know there's nothing any better and there's nothing I just wouldn't do Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and then I fall apart Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and then I fall apart And I need you now tonight And I need you more than ever And if you'll only hold me tight We'll be holding on forever And we'll only be making it right Cause we'll never be wrong together We can take it to the end of the line Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks I really need you tonight Forever's gonna start tonight Forever's gonna start tonight Once upon a time I was falling in love But now I'm only falling apart There's nothing I can do A total eclipse of the heart Once upon a time there was light in my life But now there's only love in the dark Nothing I can say A total eclipse of the heart (Comment on this)
1:08 am	Possabily..... The best Fcuk ever I love Toronto. I love the people, I love the air, I love everything about being in a big city. Interesting weekend to say the least. (Interesting in a good way) First off *giggle giggle* I have a crush *giggle giggle* I like Shawney (not Dwyer). Hes a sweetie... there was a lot of snuggling. I dont even know why we paid for a hotel room considering I spent both nights at Shawns. Shwan has the nicest apartment ever! Its on the 16th floor right in the center of Toronto, his view is a view of the whole city, out side his bed room window in the CN tower, hes also got a balcony that looks over the city. And hes the age that I prefer to date... 30... *giggle giggle* I want him to fuck me against his huge bay window over looking the city (this will happen)."Get fucked up, get fucked up"Snort something drink something get ripped" I like to party. I want him. Ok I serriously will stop my little coke binges that have been going on... its just a big party season ;) I swear... I'm not going to do it again till new years.. I promise... Lets talk bullshit I have to go into work tomorow morning at 7... FOR AN HOUR. Okay back to happiness. Becky got some.. and lots of it... over and over and over again (so did my besty *giggle giggle*) Shawn is visiting me in a little over a week....we can snuggle. Yay for christmas time, I already got to open up Angelas gift... they are the cutest bobble heads ever.. from the misfit toys movie.. I love em.. I could just eat um up. (Comment on this)
Monday, December 2nd, 2002
4:44 pm	So its Monday.... Monday, what a wonderful day, wow do I feel lazy. I have done nothing today... and I will probally continue to do nothing for the remainder of the day and night. Now heres my situation. The Trevor thing. He told me to call him sometime during the week so we could go out for coffie. I decided that night I would call him on Sunday night... well its now Monday, so I guess today is the day to call him... but when??? Chances are I am going to get his voicemail, and he'll just call me back... I dontknow what I am doing, I dont know why I am going to call. I just know that I will see him out if not this weekend one of the fallowings, so its not like I could successfully avoid him, plus I really wouldnt mind talking to him sober. I'm not stupid, and I know that this is going to go no where, but I am just curious whats going on in his life... urgh. This weekends the galla, and I am so excited, I didnt think I would be this excited but I am. I got a really cute dress and really cute shoes and I know what I am doing with my hair. I dont know whos going.. I know its going to be Me, Tiffany, and Jess, but I'm not sure if Megans going to go, but I think I am going to make her. 25$ all you can drink! Thats my kind of Galla. After that we're going to go downtown, I think to Level (which is all dependent on one thing). This is what I call a good day. I am not depressed today, not yet, I forgot about being depresed for a little while, and what a feeling. "I gotta get through this I gotta take my, take my mind off you Give me just a second and I'll be all right Surely one more moment couldn't break my heart Give me 'til tomorrow then I'll be okay Just another day and then I'll hold you tight When your love is falling like the rain I close my eyes and it falls again When will I get the chance to say I love you I pretend that you're already mine Then my heart ain't breaking every time I look into your eyes If only I could get through this If only I could get through this" (Comment on this)
Thursday, November 28th, 2002
1:26 pm	Party Yay for the biggest party night of the year... a lot of drinking happened... but most importantly Trevor kissed me good bye... (Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 20th, 2002
12:55 am	not again Wow, I am going back to that place I was back in the summer. I hate being depressed, but its just as bad as it was over the summer. I sleep all day, and have no motivation to do anything. I have nothing to look forward to anymore, my life in a pathetic waist of time and money. Every day I wake up (if I wake up)feeling shitty, I either have to go to work, or should be going to school. And the only time I look forward to anything is on the weekends...at night... after work, when I go out drinking.. is that what my life has come to? The only thing I have to look forward to is drinking? well that sounds super pathetic, whats the point? I dont go to school anymore, I just dont have the motivation.. I'd rather sleep, I dont like my major anymore... or atleast I dont think so. I feel stupid and worthless. I dont go to class when I know I should, I am failiing at least one class this semester, but it could be 2 I wont know untill its over with. Why has my life resorted to sleeping working and drinking, when school is suposto be my first priority? I know that I should be doing work right now, but i'm not. Maybe I'd go to school more if I didnt work so much. But I cant quit my jobs. I've been working at Limited 2 for a really long time, and I make good money at ZUZONS I cant just quit them. I know my dads says that he will suport me, but I just cant quit my jobs like that. I dont know what my problem is, and I just dont want to deal with it. I wish there was a painless, way to kill myself with out chance of survival, or hurting anyone in the process. But right now, I just want to die, and dont see a point. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, November 18th, 2002
1:36 am	Feeling Shitty I'm finally updating my jurnal... I've been wanting to for a while but havnt really gotten around to it. This weekend has been so long I think its time to collect on that. I'll start with Thursday night, probally one of the best nights that I have had for a long time, and an extreemly long one. First off I was really upset because I could feel that Sean didnt care for me anymore, so that put me in the "I really need to party mood" I just had no idea how "hardy I'd party". This is how my night started. me and Megan decided to go out, but we were very sick of the steer (because it sucks) so I convince her to go to Canada for her birthday (which was a few days before). When we got to Canada, first stop was rumors, and we really thought that it woudl be our only stop, we talked to her owner friend, went to the bathroom, and left, went right down the road to Boston Pizza, we had 2 drinks there, and an order of chicken fingers ( which they never charged us for) I have decided that those would be my last drinks considering I did have to drive back across the border later that night. Next stop on the "tour de Niagara Falls" The Casino... YAY. I had 20$ to gamble and thats it... or so I thought. We get into the casino, and on our way up the esculator, 2 guys ask us for a light... and later at the top ask if we want to go get a drink (on them) and they said that they would teach us how to play black jack... sounds good. We go to the bar, get a drink and a shot, and make our way to the black jack tables. I wasnt about to bet my money so Sean (who I later refer to as "Money Bags" gave me some of his money to gamble... and I end up winning... a lot like 500$... but I give all but 100$ back, so I am walking away with 100$ that I didnt do anything for. By this time at the night, we have done more shots and more drinks.. and I continual downhill spiral. One of "Money Bags" friends gets the idea to go to the sundowner... and me and Megan decide why not... its something to do. Now I realize how many people are with us.. it took to cabs, there was 9 of us total. It was Megans first time there... She did the "Dollar and a dream" and we got a private dance at our table, along with Megan getting a lap dance. We did more shots and had more drinks there.. ugh... more more and more alcohol (that we arent paying for). As we are about to leave, we get threated by a naked stripper. She said "We might not be able to do anything in the club, but once you're out side you're dead" hummmm... interesting... I didnt realize that we did anyting. Well just one more thing that made the night that much more fucked up. We got out of sundowners alive, and got back into the cab and drove back to the casino. We make a pit stop to their hotel room. I KNOW HOW STUPID THAT SOUNDS NOW, but its too late. They had the penthouse suite at the top floor. It was HUGE 2 floors, 2 bathrooms, 2 fire places, a balcony that looked over the falls, it was the nicest hotel that I have ever seen. So I am exploring the hotel room, which is huge, and venture upstairs and they are cuting lines of coke on the table.... and asked if I wanted some, I was hesitant at first, but then said "Fuck it" and did a line, so did megan. Best high of my life.. the rest of the night gets a bit hazy. But we go from the hotel back the Casino... the casino back to the hotel to do more lines... back to the casino to gamble.. back to the hotel for more lines.. back to the casnio our last casino stop "Money bags" wins 2,500$ (thats where he got that name)... if you catch my drift. I finally do my last line at 5 am, and we are about to leave. We get into the elevator to go downstairs to my car (I wasnt goign to drive Megan was, she only did 2 lines). "Money bags" and Patrick try and convince us to stay... when I say "we'll only stay if you buy us a hotel room because we wont stay in yours" they agree and baught us a hotel room. I'm sure they wanted something sexual to happen, but that wasnt about to happen. So we get our hotel room, and try to get some sleep, I lay in bed for 3 hours wide awke and wired because of the coke. At 9am we finally leave. Patrick gave me his business card (he thinks we had a "Connection" but he can get really cheep rates for me at the hotel he works at in toronto... yay!!!! I feel a Toronto trip comming on. We're going thru the customs and we get searched... why wouldnt we... whatever we finally get home at like 10am... and that is the end of the most fucked up night of my life... because: we almost got beet up by a stripper, did many lines of coke, gambled other peoples money and got to take winnnings home, and got a free hotel room.... wow. Friday.. I am super duper upset because I still havnt talked to Sean. At this point I have no idea whats going on, and supe pissed off... what we have sex and he stops talking to me for 3 days... what the fuck. So I called his house 20 times, and finally get thru, and get hung up on. So I drive my ass over to his house to confront him face to face. I guess he dosnt love me... all that shit he was saying was a lie.. all those letters, emails, phone calls... all bull shit, he dosnt give a shit about me, and dosnt love me... I love him, he got me to fall in love with him, just to have him change his mind, this is bullshit. Well anyways.. I still had to go to work that day, and since I have great friends I went out to drink my sorrows away. PS work sucked. All I was thinking all night, was how much I wanted to do another line of coke... thats all I wanted.. once I started drinking, I got even more depressed.. and wow it wasnt a good night. I dont even really remember where we went, I think it was just Bradford, Third Room, Barrelhouse, and Quote...oh oh and we made our debut at Level (which is so fucking awesome I love it) We ran into my canadians that we in Buffalo partying for the night. But anyways... I am super depressed... and its not just because of the Sean thing, I just really dont know what my problem is.. but when I got home, I tried to lock my self in the bathroom, and tried to slit my wrists.. but I have you know its hard then it looks in the movies... I was really digging it in, and It hardly worked.. Now I just have these fucking scars on my wrists. Friday night I wanted to die... Saturday I still wanted to but not as much.. and I am finally willing to go back to my therapist because I know how I'm feeling isnt normal, and I need a stonger perscription. I may look happy, and act happy, but thats all it is... an act. And I dont want it sounding like it was Sean.. because it wasnt.. it was the straw that broke the camels back.. I feel like I cant be loved.. like no one will ever love me.. I can just be hurt.. I feel like I got really fat, and no one could love me. How can someone be so sure that they love you... and then just change their mind. I am so hurt, heartbroken, and dont really know where to go from here. This sounds super bad and pathetic... but it was just on top of everything else that I have been feeling latley... I just dont see a point to living, I have nothing to look forward to anymore... I'm not going to do anything stupid and I am going to get help.. I just hope it helps. Saturday night I went out again... drinking.. typical...downtown.. thats about it. (Comment on this)